Living Today In God's Hands

The concept of trusting God is an ongoing process of practicing to trust God. It may be one of the most important principles in Christianity. There is a difference between verbalizing the notion of “Trust God”, and internalizing the reality into a life experience of revelation through prayer & it's fulfillment. When we have fears, we are not trusting God. When we have doubts, we are not trusting God. When we have overwhelming insecurities, we are not trusting God. For most people the idea of trusting God is all they hear, and on occasion read about. It hasn't been internalized through trials, difficulties, or trusted into faith. We are, for the most part, impatient, refuse to trust that God's timing is better than our own. Often our prayers are so desperate they get in the way of God's work. Our worries are so great, our own answers, so few, we want to push God's hand through self-centered prayer and place God on our own short deadline.

We never know our true mission in life till we learn the real internalization of trusting in God. I am not a theologian, I am a skilled craftsmen, somewhat trained in psychology, who attends an anxiety group nearly every week, for years, trying to come to simple successful terms of living, yet hard to comprehend, till you see the structure of the works, in life experiences. Trusting God is a matter of faith, yet our desperation & forcing of God's timetable for our lives-demonstrates to God our true lack of trusted faith. We want to push the time clock. For this reason of pushing the time clock, God will often offer mercy and grace (more concepts most of us don't truly understand)- keeping us in position till he determines the timing, in the larger plan, yet to unfold. In our darkness, of clutter and confused thought, we do not see the clearing; unable ourselves to unravel the misconnects of our own thought patterns.

I was trapped in such an dilemma. Full of worry, self doubt, fears-some very real, some imagined. Self-employed, low income, rising health care costs, the internal unset of personal health issues that were threatening my job and ability to generate income as I got older, now age 59. What would I do since, in my case, there would be no retirement? I had little support and no real family structure to count on- tended to be a loner of sorts. I saw a depression coming. I knew the symptoms. After all I've spent a lifetime learning to identify them. Even though I didn't feel like it I immediately sought out help with local social service resources before the emotional crash. But crash I did. Then I was bed ridden: ignoring all but basic necessities, the days passed. I prayed, then prayed, listened to church music and Christian messages, then prayed some more. Nothing happened. Silence was gouging in my ears. I felt as if God had slammed the door shut on my prayers, and said, “I got the message, now let me work”. When faith is weak, hope is less; when hope is gone, faith weakens more.

It's a cycle out of control with thoughts racing for self solutions. When the personal wall of emptiness is hit, and you realize you don't have solutions, that it is now beyond your control and all you have is your nest egg of twisted thoughts-it's then that God, often, will intervene quietly behind the scenes. It was here, I truly relieved my pain and suffering- made a total commitment to God‘s will, turning over the worries, the problems, the issues, and faith for solutions to someone other than myself. I wrote a small inspirational piece and placed it on my desk with scotch tape and read it daily before doing anything in my day. The sense of relief is enormous. Rather than losing control I actually gained control by giving my need for control up. It was here I internalized the true concept of faith and giving my will over to God's plan not my own:

Today

Today there is peace within me. I trust God that I am exactly Where I am meant to be. I have given this control Of my life over to God, (All the fears, anxieties, self-doubts) & taken it away from myself. This is the gift of faith. His presence & healing Settles in my bones.

Michael Lee Johnson 03-24-07

A transformation started at this point. In my case, the medication started to kick in; a trusted friend came into my business since he was getting older with his handyman services, and longed for something that would be less physically demanding; a personal lady friend came over daily offering support and structure to my unstructured life; my mother of 98 years passed away, leaving a small amount of monies that would help offset the rising cost of health care Then another intervention that would prop up my laagering self-esteem during a time of trial & lose. I had a huge box of unfinished, nearly forgotten poems beneath my work desk. Poetry seldom pays anything but self-esteem. There were poems dating back to early 1967, literally sitting idle in a box for over 40 years. I had no incentive, Most of the papers were tattered & torn, wrinkled old napkins folded over with ink smeared words placed there years ago; all waiting the creative hand of revival.

In my distress, fledgling hope, I noted on the internet the advent of electronic poetry submissions making it easier to submit, quicker to get responses than the old fashion way, submitting via mail. Knowing from early experiences in the 1970's that the chance of an unknown poet (especially one that failed creative writing class in university) getting a poem accepted for publication, with a quality journal, was about 3% or less out of a hundred submissions. I revised a few poems and submitted them, expecting nothing. To my astonishment, immediately poems were getting picked up for publication. Knowing, in my own mind, I was not a good writer, with each success I attributed the victory to God. Perhaps, my self perceptions was in error again. Just perhaps. Within four months I have published over 141 poems, in over 54 different online literary, poetry journals! No money, but a lot of self-esteem at a time of depression.

Trusting God is a process, an evolution of faith, grace, mercy; it happens over time, not on your time, but God's, personalized plan for you on his time. God hears the simple prayers. When you truly place your life in Gods hands, the fears, the doubts, the insecurities lift, reside in a much quieter place in your mind. Knowing each day that you are in the exact place where God intends you to be reduces fears, anxiety, replacing it with hope and confidence.

God had waved his wand over me; taught me a lesson about faith, turning my will over to God & his ultimate plan. When you turn your will over to God; make sure your praise him for your blessings as well.

Writing Credentials Below Poems

Christian Poems:

Jesus Knelt in Grief Over the Death of Children

Breaking out of silence, Jesus knelt to his knees in moist desert sand & wrote messages with his fingertips to children- “water is water, toys are toys, but by my fingers burn with life, though I toil over tombs with grief & tears- I am the living & I am the dead- I was born to life to bring new hope into the death of children. I am the messenger of the morning sun the prayer book between the morning dew, & the play fields of your daily adventures. When I kneel here again, the end will be the end to all-fire willed into my words- driftwood & sand turn to stone- drag my fingers across hot sand once more- & morning coming without a daybreak. Birds no longer sing, & crickets lose their songs.”

Today

Today there is peace within me. I trust God that I am exactly Where I am meant to be. I have given this control Of my life over to God, (All the fears, anxieties, self-doubts) & taken it away from myself. This is the gift of faith. His presence & healing Settles in my bones.

CHILDREN IN THE SKY

There is a full moon, distant in the sky, tonight,

Grey planets are planted on an aging white face.

Children, living & dead, love the moon with small hearts.

Those in heaven already take gold thread, drop the moon down for us all to see;

Those alive with us, look out their bedroom windows, tonight, & smile-

Then prayers, then sleep.

Speaking Of Death

Speaking of death- mother, Edith, at 98 in a nursing home blinded with macular degeneration, crippled in pain, drowning in pills, I come to you, blurred eyes, crystal mind, countenance of grace, as yesterday's winds I have consumed you & taken you away. Death hides, but doesn't divide. “Where did God disappear to”- she murmured over & over again like running water or low voices in prayer: “Oh, there He is. Angel of the coming.” Death hides, but doesn't divide.

Faces On A Bus

face on a bus, passing by, nameless, stares out the framed window, frozen like skeleton bone-

boredom nibbling away at his time.

Mount Pleasant Cemetery (the temple of the body)

Gravediggers uprooting caskets with sharp, steel shovels- with each slicing step downward through nerve-rooted earth cooper pennies jingle in change purses dangling by their sides.

They chat casually of Jesus, His painless resurrection from the sealed tomb, moneychangers being chased away from God's holy temple.

Catch On The Fly

Full barrel

up the black asphalt

highway,

53 north

heading to Lake Zurich, IL

Christian talk radio 1660

on the radio dial,

crisp winter day

sunbeams dancing down

on the pavement like midgets.

85 mph in a 65 mph zone,

just to aggravate the police,

black Chevy S10 pick up,

shows what a deviant I am

in dark colors.

Running late for a client appointment.

creating poems on a small hand held recorder

knowing there is not payment for this madness

in this little captured taped area of words.

Headlights down the highway for a legacy

into the future, day dreaming like a fool obsessed.

Working out the layout of this poem or getting my ego in place,

I will catch up with the imagery when I get back home.

This is my life, a poem in the middle of the highway.

Scampering, no one catches me when I'm speeding

like this.

Moon Sleep

I stick

my hand

out toward

the sea

roll out my palm

I offer a plank,

a trail for you.

Follow out into the water

& the salty stars.

When you stretch out

& give your heart

to the final moment

to the glass night sky,

draw me in

sketch my face

on the edge

of the moon-

sad & lonely

over ages of moon

sleep.

JESUS & HOW HE MUST HAVE FELT

staggering up the stairs after an all night drunk- I thought of Jesus & how he must have felt after his resurrection dragging his holy body up that endless staircase spiraling toward heaven.